I Should Have
by Follow-The-Firefly
Summary: I should have told you how I felt before you left, but you know that I'll always love you. Rated T for teen. AkuRoku ONESHOT


**Disclaimer: I'd love to own Kingdom Hearts, but I think Xemnas would have something to say about that.**

**Hey! Zephyr here! And happy AkuRoku day! I'm wearing my chakram necklace and my keyblade necklace for the occasion. So this is a twist off of a story idea I got months ago, but I'm happy with how this turned out. I guess it's kinda like Axel reflecting on things. He has too much time on his hand. I am aware that this isn't EXACTLY how DAYS goes, but I had to change it a little. The ending is pretty much the same, though. Enough said. On with the deadly tale!**

_I should have noticed you sooner._

It took me a while to notice you, Roxas. I mean _really_ notice you.

For one thing, I was on a mission when you showed up. Xemnas had sent me to the Pride Lands for some stupid mission; I can't even remember what it was now. All I know is that when I came back, you were there.

Of course I noticed who you were, Roxas. How could I _not _notice your existence?

My problem was that I didn't recognize you as a Nobody. You just seemed so weak, so worthless, that I didn't think that you should be considered part of the Organization.

Yes, this is even after I found out that you're Sora's Nobody.

Xemnas sent us on missions together, much to my annoyance. I didn't want to be stuck with you when you couldn't do anything besides swing that Keyblade around like a madman.

Really, it was like being with Demyx again. It was that bad.

Xigbar felt that I was being too harsh on you. After all, you were a newborn, so to speak. There was no way you could be ready to fight a Heartless like the Trickmaster, right? Even Vexen's not that cruel and we all know how Vexen can be.

But I had no time to be concerned with you. I was only thinking of destroying things. Granted I always wanted to set things on fire, but I'd been feeling differently. I needed to go think about things, try to figure out what was going on in my head.

_I should have realized my feelings for you sooner, but I was in denial._

There were two things that I was concerned about. The first was that I was actually in love with you, which would mean that I was experiencing emotions.

From the moment I was created, Xemnas drilled into my head the fact that we don't have emotions. We're Nobodies; we're not meant to have emotions because we don't have a heart.

And I believed him. After all, I didn't have a reason to believe otherwise. I had no proof that Nobodies like me had a heart. It was depressing, sure, but it was the truth. I had never experienced any sort of emotion. Joy, anger, sadness, confusion. I never had experienced such emotions and I knew I never would.

All that changed when I met you.

Once I started to spend time with you, I realized that you were changing me. I was experiencing emotions right and left. I found myself angry with Vexen when he "accidentally" froze a miniature lake on the floor in the Round Room. I was annoyed when Saïx sent me on a mission in Atlantica, since he knows I hate the water.

I was confused when I realized that I was in love with you.

My second concern was that you were another man.

While this might not seem like such a big deal now, it absolutely terrified me. I'd never fallen in love with anyone before, much less another man.

I knew how love was meant to work. It's supposed to be between a man and a woman.

But what if two men fell in love? What happened then?

For a while, I didn't want to know the answer. I didn't want to know what would happen if I found out.

It wasn't like I could just ask Xemnas. He'd accuse me of having a heart and probably would have proceeded to turn me into a Dusk. Not exactly something I want to have happen to myself, you know?

I spent a lot of time thinking about it, making sure that I had actually fallen for you. Larxene had told me that it's easy to think you're in love when you're really not.

I wanted to make sure that this was real, that my feelings for you were real. I didn't want to do something that would ruin our newfound friendship.

_I should have kissed you when I had the chance. _

There were so many times when I wanted to, so many times where I could barely hold myself back.

And I had to hold myself back. Can you imagine how awkward that would have been if I just kissed you on top the clock tower in Twilight Town?

I can.

I remember watching those ridiculous soap operas with Marluxia and Larxene where people are just kissing all over the place. It looked so easy that I wondered why I couldn't just kiss you.

Then I remembered. I would be way too nervous, which meant that I would probably screw something up. I always manage to screw something up, and I didn't want to take that chance.

And if I just started kissing you after a mission, you would definitely have been confused. After all, I don't exactly look like the kind of guy that goes around snogging other guys, do I? I certainly hope I don't portray _that _image.

I remember a particular mission where you and I were meant to spy on that skeleton guy in Halloween Town. It was so boring, remember? You and I played cards to pass the time. You taught me how to play 007 and I showed you how to play Solitaire.

One afternoon, you were feeling tired, so I told you to take a nap, that I could keep lookout for a few hours so you could catch some shut-eye. It wasn't long before you were asleep. I turned away for a few seconds and you were asleep when I looked back.

You just looked so damn adorable, Roxas. Adorable and tempting. Can you imagine how hard that was for me?

It's a good thing I have a lot of self-restraint, let me tell you.

When you woke up about two hours later, you were rather confused as to why I was staring at you. I told you that I was thinking again and that I was staring at you without knowing it.

That was definitely a lie, huh?

_I should have told you how I felt sooner._

I eventually worked up the courage to tell you how I felt about you. And it took me a long time to be able to do that. Nearly a year, I think.

Yes, I'd been keeping my thoughts to myself for almost a year.

Believe me, there were times when I thought about telling you. All those times when we were in Twilight Town when Xion was held up on a mission, whenever we were on missions...pretty much any time we were alone together, which was pretty often.

I know Saïx noticed something was wrong with me. After all, we'd been close friends before we became Nobodies. He could tell that I was different around you.

I didn't dare tell him, though. I knew what Saïx would say if he found out that I liked you.

He'd probably turn me into a Dusk himself. If he actually has the power to do that, that is.

I resolved not to tell anyone how I felt about you. But I knew that I'd have to tell you at some point. You had to have noticed that I was acting differently around you. Anyone could see it.

So one day, we were on an espionage mission in the Land of Dragons. We were meant to be watching the emperor, though I still don't understand why since the guy didn't leave the palace once.

We were sitting on a ledge on a nearby mountain. I was messing around with my fire abilities, not taking the mission seriously, not like I ever did. You were watching the palace, but I could tell that you were starting to get bored. You had started to drum your fingers, which I had noticed you only did when you were really bored. Your eyes had a bored look to them, too.

Before I could stop myself, I found myself telling you how I felt. After I finished, I waited for your response. You seemed shocked, but not in a bad way.

Your response surprised me. You just scooted back to where I was sitting and kissed me.

That's not exactly something I can see you doing, ya know?

You started laughing and told me that it was kind of obvious and that you liked me, too.

I guess that's how we got started, huh?

_I should have made those moments count._

If I had known how much time I had with you, I would have made those moments really matter.

I know that seems really clichéd, but we didn't actually spend a lot of time as a couple, you know?

It was only about a year, wasn't it? And it wasn't even that long because we kept getting sent on missions that lasted for weeks at a time.

Whenever we were on separate missions, we'd write to each other. I remember one time I was in the Deep Jungle while you were meant to be slaying a giant Heartless in Traverse Town. I was meant to find information on hearts that Ansem the Wise had hidden somewhere in the jungle. Xemnas had no idea where it was supposed to be, which meant that I could be there for quite a while.

I was gone for a week, which was a long time for me. I couldn't exactly look at night, so I used that time to write to you. I told you about how boring the mission was and how I wished that you were here with me.

Whenever I returned from my mission, I would give you your letter and you would give me mine. We'd read them together in the Hall of Empty Melodies or Memory's Skyscraper, so we knew we'd be alone.

I remember one mission where we were sent to Neverland to destroy a Neoshadow. It took forever to find the damn thing.

The weird thing is that I didn't mind the time it took to look for it. We just passed the time talking to each other. We talked about the meetings, how Zexion got a new shipment of encyclopaedias for the library in Castle Oblivion, how annoying Demyx's sitar was and how I should just incinerate the thing.

Those are the moments I'll never forget, the moments I wouldn't trade for anything.

_I should have stopped you from leaving._

I knew something was wrong when you didn't want to hang out at the clock tower anymore. That was _our_ spot, the one place where we could always find each other.

I asked you what was wrong, but you simply shook your head and walked off without saying a word. You'd recently found out the truth about Xion, so I though that might have something to do with it.

I was in the Grey Area one day when you cornered me and asked if you were really a Nobody. I was so shocked by your question that I couldn't say anything. Why in the world would you be asking something like that?

Then it hit me. You were afraid that you were like Xion.

I told you that you were as much of a Nobody as I was, but that didn't satisfy you. You wanted to know who you were the Nobody of.

But I couldn't tell you.

Xemnas had told me months before that you could never know that you were Sora's Nobody. When I asked why, Xemnas only said that it would ruin the plan if you knew the truth. What that plan is, I don't know and I still don't. All I knew is that I was forbidden from telling you anything.

I don't think it would have made a difference if you found out that you were Sora's Nobody. Knowing you, you had so many questions that knowing the truth about who your other is wouldn't matter. There would still be more questions that would need to be answered.

But I knew how important it was to you. Hell, I remember wanting to know who my other was. The only difference is that Sora is more important than Lea could have ever hoped to be.

I told you that I couldn't tell you, which made you even more upset than you already were. You said that we always told each other the truth, which is true. I told you that I was under orders from Xemnas not to tell you.

Your eyes looked so sad when I couldn't tell you the truth. You turned away and said that if I couldn't give you the answers to your questions, then you'd have to go somewhere else to find them.

I ran down to Fragment Crossing to try to stop you from leaving. I knew I wouldn't stand much of a chance, but I had to give it a shot.

I saw you walking in front of me and I waited for you to stop, but you never did. When you were almost out of sight, I spoke.

"Your mind's made up?"

That's when you stopped and turned back to face me.

"Why did the Keyblade choose me? I have to know."

"You can't turn on the Organization! You get on their bad side and they'll destroy you!"

You turned away so I couldn't see your face.

"No one would miss me."

"That's not true! I would…"

But you couldn't hear me. You were too far away.

That's one thing I'll always regret. I should have done more to convince you to stay in the Organization, to stay with me.

But in the end, I couldn't do anything. All I could do was stand by as you walked away for the last time.

_I should have told you how I felt before you left._

But you know that I'll always love you.

**It's not much, I know. I started writing this at almost one in the morning, so it might not make sense. . Anyway, thanks for reading. Reviews equal love! Zephyr out. **


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